


The 'Gate Crasher

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Category: Stargate - All Series, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:37:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 10,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4199376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If the SGC had a tabloid, this would be it. Done in drabbles/articles</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-00

**Author's Note:**

> This 'newspaper' and its companion, The Pegasus Conqueror were done many years ago. They are fun, ridicuous, and worthy of remembering for me.  
> Note: These do not go in chronological order. I'm adding them as they were posted originally.  
> Warning: do not read while drinking a beverage. I will not be responsible for your device cleaning bill!

MACGYVER FOUND!!  
Story by Ladyhawk

Colorado Springs, CO--After more than a decade's search, Angus MacGyver, Phoenix Foundation agent, and all-around useful guy to have around, has finally been found. Having left the Foundation after breaking up with his on-and-off lover, Jack Dalton, he was reported missing on May 23, 1992 by his son, Sam Malloy. Federal agents had responded immediately but were unable to track the elusive jack-of-all-trades.

Two months ago, however, it was reported to the GC that Macgyver had been spotted. Reporters quickly followed the lead and found the agent in Colorado Springs, under the guise of one General Jack O'Neill, Commander of a top secret base. One of our sources discovered that the base actually houses a magic circle similar to the magic mirror used in the children's show Romper Room, which is used to contact good children. The circle at the secret base, however, seems to be calibrated for contacting power hungry warlords who have bad taste in wardrobe. 

Our reporters confirmed that O'Neill was MacGyver by locking him in an empty storage closet with only a toothbrush and a stick of gum. The General escaped in 42 seconds. When asked about his escape, O'Neill replied that he could have picked the lock more quickly with the paperclip he found, but he had to finish making dinner plans with his lover, Dr. Daniel Jackson, first.

When asked why he left the Phoenix Foundation, the General replied that he had been frustrated with his relationship with Dalton, and had married and fathered a child. "But when I lost my son, I found myself at a loss. I didn't know how I could make a difference. When I was offered a job at this base, I found a good outlet for my hidden macho tendencies. The Air Force offered me this cool military wardrobe if I pretended to be dumb and tricked the warlords into submission. It's worked beautifully. These bad guys are dumber than the Colonel on Wormhole Xtreme."

When asked if he would ever go back to the Phoenix Foundation, the General said no. "I have a new life and a new love. The SGC has given me a reason to continue perfecting my witty comebacks, which were sadly lacking in my time at the Foundation. Also, Dr. Jackson and I have been together since he came back from being turned into a squid. I couldn't think of being without him, especially since he swiped my Star Wars DVDs."


	2. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TEAL'C MISTAKEN FOR ALIEN CHIA PET

TEAL'C MISTAKEN FOR ALIEN CHIA PET

 

Cheyenne Mountain, CO--Reporters have discovered that Teal'c, Cheyenne Mountain's most intimidating alien and righteous dude, was mistakenly placed in a garden yesterday when he was accidentally thought to be an alien chia pet. Mrs. Imma Snakecharmer, a 70 year old resident of Colorado Springs, had found Teal'c unconscious outside Colonel Samantha Carter's home early yesterday afternoon. According to General Jack O'Neill, Teal'c had been investigating a snake infestation in the Colonel's home when her boyfriend came home and mistook him for an intruder and fired the Colonel's decorative taser at him. An hour later, Mrs. Snakecharmer found the unconscious Teal'c and dragged him to her yard, where she placed him next to her favorite garden gnome.

"I thought one of the children had thrown out one of those toy plants." Mrs Snakecharmer reported. "It's such a shame the children don't take better care of their Christmas presents."

Teal'c's teammate, Dr. Daniel Jackson, was one of the first to find out about the alien's disappearance. "I was at Jack's house teaching him how to ask for a corndog in 20 languages. We hadn't come...to the end of our lesson, when the SGC called me about a possible badly-dressed warlord (see Issue 0-00) in Colorado Springs, except he wasn't badly dressed."

Dr. Jackson, who is currently in a neck-and-neck death competition with Kenny from South Park, reportedly rushed to the scene to find his teammate tied to a pole next to a garden gnome and wilting tomato plants. "I tried to untie him, but suddenly this mad woman attacked me with a broom."

"That prankster was taking my prized tomatoes!" Mrs. Snakecharmer reported, whose 'prized tomatoes' were voted The Least Likely to Be Eaten at last year's Colorado Springs Fair.

General O'Neill said that his keen diplomatic skills were necessary to retrieve their kidnapped friend. "I had to bribe her. I promised her a gnome just like the one on the travelocity.com commercials before she would even let us touch Teal'c. Luckily, our friend was unhurt. But it took him weeks to grow back the hair on the top of his head, where the witch had cut a smiley face into it."

Colonel Samantha Carter could not be reached for comment, as she was giving her boyfriend lessons in alien diplomacy through the use of a 2 x 4.


	3. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DANIEL JACKSON'S SECRET OBSESSION

DANIEL JACKSON'S SECRET OBSESSION  
by Ladyhawk

Colorado Springs, CO--Readers of the 'Gate Crasher may have thought they've known Cheyenne Mountain's darling, archeologist Dr. Daniel Jackson. Our reporters, however, have stumbled on a fact that should shock even our most avid readers: Dr. Jackson has a secret obsession.

"Everybody knows about the coffee and the chocolate walnut cookies," said Colonel Samantha Carter, Dr. Jackson's team leader. "But even I was shocked and horrified when I heard about his new obsession. I cried in Pete's arms last night because of it." When asked for comment, Detective Peter Shanihan just shook his head and tried to avoid making contact with Stargate Command's leader, General Jack O'Neill. O'Neill was fingering a handgun and mouthing the words 'if you hurt her' to Shanihan at the time.

What is this obsession that has so upset one of his best friends? "Cranberry sauce," reported General O'Neill, who has been Dr. Jackson's lover since the Ascended, or Glowy Squid People, had decided the doctor was not worthy to play reindeer games. "Goddamn cranberry sauce. And not the good stuff either. No, Daniel has to fall in love with that jellied crap in the can. How could he do this to me, to his team?!"

"It is unworthy of a warrior," commented Teal'c, Dr. Jackson's teammate. Since he's lost the snake in his gut, Teal'c has taken up stripping in his spare time at The Officer's Clubs, a sadomasochism club in Denver. "I cannot believe DanielJackson could fall to such a state. I hope the Goa'uld do not find out about this obsession, for it will cause them to laugh in our faces." The Goa'uld, or the wardrobe challenged bad guys the team fights on a weekly basis, are not known for their culinary skill, as they tend to eat live beasts from the inside out. They consume their hosts' logic centers first, so they don't interfere with the Goa'uld's totally illogical plans for universal domination or their wardrobe choices.

"All that cranberry sauce impairs Daniel's judgment," said Colonel Lou Feretti, Dr. Jackson's friend and co-worker. "I mean, on top of all the chocolate and coffee, that stuff makes him hyper. I saw him slap a Goa'uld for deciding to wear stripes and polka dots together. He must have had 8 cans of the stuff that day. And he hasn't eaten anything else in weeks. Heck, even the commisary has commented that they have an overabundance of chocolate due to Daniel's new addiction."

"I can't see why they have a problem with it, especially Jack," said Dr. Jackson. "He seems to like it when I suck the sauce out of his..um, mouth." As he said this, General O'Neill's face turned redder than the doctor's obsession and would not look at his primary team members.

Colonel Carter and Teal'c attempted to enroll Dr. Jackson in OSA (Ocean Spray Anonymous) before Thanksgiving, so they would not have to buy 10 cans of the offending item. However, General O'Neill stopped them, saying that he would keep Dr. Jackson's obsession to himself.


	4. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WORMHOLE X-TREME SUES STARGATE COMMAND FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

WORMHOLE X-TREME SUES STARGATE COMMAND FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT  
by Ladyhawk

Vancouver, Canada--The producers of the hit science fiction series Wormhole X-treme have gone to court to sue the American Armed Forces for copyright infringement. In particular, they are objecting to Stargate Command, a secret military operation in Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado.

"They are copying what we do," said director/producer Peter Isinmosteps. "They are jumping through a brightly lit circle and going to other places. We do that too, and we have the copyright for it. What the government is doing is against the law, they are stealing ideas from us."

Nick Marlowe, who plays Colonel Danning on the show, is also in the suit. "They've taken my character and made him funny and smarter. I'm supposed to be dramatic, not funny. And I'm smart enough the way I am!" As he said this, Marlowe gestured to his aide, who then told him that this interview was not part of the next episode.

Raymond Gunne, who plays Dr. Levant, declined involvement in the suit. "Nick's just following Peter. He's afraid of losing his job, especially since he's worse at acting than the majority of our guest stars. I don't want to sue these people, but I'd like to get involved. Do you think Dr. Jackson needs a body double?"

Writer Martin Lloyd also rejected the offer to be included in the suit. "They saved my life and won the show an Emmy. I wouldn't do this to them. I think General O'Neill will be furious when he finds out. And-and I don't want to be on his bad side." Lloyd looked nervously over his shoulder as he walked away.

When asked for comment, General O'Neill, leader of Stargate Command said that he believed the accusations were unfounded. "Yeah, we're jumping through wormholes, but that's reality! Reality isn't covered under copyright infringement. Marlowe's dumber than a stick, so it had to be Isinmosteps. He just wants government money..for a TV show! And unfortunately, he'll get it to keep him quiet. I ought to throttle Martin for this. This lawsuit with his show made me cancel my game of 'Danning and Levant Get Trapped With Each Other on a Deserted Planet.' Daniel will be pissed, he wanted to see my uniform get ripped by the viscious animals that he was going to rescue me from just in time."

Dr. Daniel Jackson was unavailable for comment, as he was getting ready to play 'Torture Martin Lloyd while Levant and Danning Participate in a Fertility Ritual.'


	5. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DANIEL JACKSON FALLEN BECAUSE HE GLOWED TOO MUCH!

DANIEL JACKSON FALLEN BECAUSE HE GLOWED TOO MUCH!  
by Ladyhawk

Vis Uban--Dr. Daniel Jackson, former archeologist for Stargate Command and man voted most likely to *let* someone eat him, has been officially kicked out of the Glowy Squid Club. According to reports, Oma Desala, leader of the club, kicked him out for fraternizing with his friend Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Jackson was found on the planet Vis Uban after attacking Anubis, the brother of Snow White's magic mirror. He was taken in by the planet's inhabitants, then found by the SGC team SG-1, commanded by Colonel O'Neill. He had no memory of his time as a Glowy Squid or of anything before that, and kept confusing O'Neill with James T. Kirk of Star Trek. O'Neill reported that he didn't know whether to feel complimented or insulted by the mix-up.

When asked about the situation, Desala, who is wanted in five galaxies for refusing to do anything, replied, "I expressly forbid Daniel to help any of his former people. He was to only observe. Wrapping your glowing body around a human is not observation. It's interference!"

Upon hearing the above quote, Colonel O'Neill commented, "Ah, she's just jealous! That's not interference, it's hot alien sex! I bet she hasn't had any in 5000 years. It would explain that attitude!"

Teal'c, Jackson's teammate, reported that O'Neill and Jackson had had an affair, and had been having a fight when Jackson joined the Club. "They had been arguing over who was better at climaxing during sex and O'Neill had insulted DanielJackson. He told him that his climaxes looked like a child's temper tantrum. DanielJackson was understandably upset at this, and decided that O'Neill did not want him. He joined the Ascended and once given the chance, showed O'Neill that he, too, could look like a child throwing a tantrum."

When asked to describe the experience, Colonel O'Neill smiled. "It was the best time of my life. I didn't know he cared that much, even after everything I said. He wrapped his tenacles around me and I swooned from all the tingling going on. Putting my finger in an electrical socket is the only thing I can think of that would achieve the same affect. Now that Daniel's starting to get his memory back, maybe I should ask him if he wants to have sex in the tub...after i throw an exposed electrical wire in the water."

When asked for comment, Dr. Jackson simply replied, "There's no place like home." He then proceeded to take Colonel O'Neill into the bedroom with promises of fun involving a Goa'uld painstick and glow-in-the-dark toy squid.


	6. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GENERAL O'NEILL AWARDED MEDAL FOR COMBAT

GENERAL O'NEILL AWARDED MEDAL FOR COMBAT  
by Ladyhawk

Washington, D.C--General Jack O'Neill, commander of Stargate Command and Air Force Officer most likely to be mistaken for a 15 year old (even without the clone), was awarded the Medal of Honor yesterday for his service in combatting an enemy who had invaded his base.

The ceremony, although long, was not arduous. General O'Neill kept the audience entertained with his comparison of the Goa'uld Ba'al with Dr. Evil from the movie Austin Powers. His comment that Ba'al, too, would have better success using sharks with laser beams on their heads, had President Hayes rolling on the floor with laughter.

The ceremony ended on a personal note for the General, as Dr. Daniel Jackson, his consultant, lover, and General Pain in the Ass, ascended the stairs and presented him with a plaque to go with his medal. The plaque read, "This award goes to General Jack O'Neill, for saving us from certain doom. We swear to always be with you and to always trust you. But no, we will not allow you to change the name of the Prometheus to the Enterprise." In smaller letters, it also says, "And I, Daniel Jackson, do solemnly swear that I will not die or appear to be dead again while you still live."

When asked about the incident that prompted the award, the General said, "The enemy was trying to get to Daniel. He was mumbling a lot of threatening words and wielding this 8.5 by 14 inch weapon of enormous power that can only be used by people who can use a thousand words to say nothing. He tried to fire the weapon on Danny. I couldn't let him, I had to take him down. So I shot him in the heart."

Dr. Jackson added, "I was terrified. I knew I was marked for destruction the minute he walked in the door. Jack saved my life. He destroyed the enemy, then destroyed the weapon with Lou Feretti's lighter. I was so happy that I took him home that night and showed him the ritual Abydonian way of giving thanks, which involves a blindfold, a feather, and a really strong riding crop."

Stargate Command lifted lockdown procedures once the enemy was confirmed dead and the weapon disarmed. The funeral for Vice President Kinsey will be held next week at Arlington Cemetery.


	7. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GENERAL O'NEILL HOSPITALIZED FOR THINKING TOO MUCH

GENERAL O'NEILL HOSPITALIZED FOR THINKING TOO MUCH  
by Ladyhawk and Tree

Colorado Springs, CO--General Jack O'Neill, Stargate Command leader and the only one in the facility who has trouble using a superhero decoder ring, was hospitalized today after suffering from extreme exhaustion. 

The exhaustion occurred while staying at the home of his lover, Dr. Daniel Jackson, SG-1 team member and the person most likely to not see the 3 million men and women slobbering all over him every week. "I just asked him to watch the Travel Channel with me. I wasn't expecting it to cause brain damage!" he said, when asked for comment.

But readers should not be fooled by the archeologist's innocent comment. He had more nefarious intents than just sharing his obsession, insisted Colonel Samantha Carter, Dr. Jackson's team leader. "He was actually exacting a vicious revenge, disguised as an innocent request. Once he had changed the channel from ESPN's game of the week to Travel Channel's Must-See Egypt, he tied General O'Neill to the chair he was sitting on, and pumped him full of caffeine pills. Daniel made the General watch Travel and Discovery for 48 hours straight! Why? Because the General shot him in the line of duty!"

"DanielJackson was most dismayed when O'Neill shot him," commented Teal'c, Dr. Jackson's teammate. General O'Neill had shot Dr. Jackson when he was taken over by Anubis, who was a cross between a wardrobe-challenged parasite and a Glowy Squid Person. The resulting hybrid was a noncorporeal being that dressed goth but didn't know the first thing about a mosh pit. "DanielJackson believed that Anubis could have been removed by drowning it in his favorite Columbian blend coffee. He thought that the resulting caffeine high would have shook the being loose from its moorings."

"I confessed everything to Sam and Teal'c after I called 911," reported Dr. Jackson. "Jack was just jerking on the chair by the end of it, as if he had gone into convulsions. I was afraid I was killing him. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to show him I was mad." Dr. Jackson sobbed as he said this.

"Whatever his purpose, Dr. Jackson could have caused permanent damage," Dr. Brightman explained. "Being military, General O'Neill has a lower electrical capacity in his brain than the scientific facility members. The convulsions were caused by overuse of brain neurons. Luckily, General O'Neill's brain is more elastic than most military personnel, as evidenced by his choice of mate. If his brain wasn't flexible, just spending a day with Dr. Jackson would have killed him. He will most likely recover completely in two weeks."

General O'Neill was coherent and available for comment after two days. "My revenge on Daniel will be sweet," he said. "I'm borrowing Spongebob Squarepants tapes from Colonel Ferretti's kids. The illogic of the show will drive Daniel crazy."

Stargate Command will continue to be in Lockdown until it can be verified that the couple's revenge seeking will not cause the stargate's wormholes to explode by building up too much mental energy.


	8. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS GIFT CAUSES LOCKDOWN AT STARGATE COMMAND

CHRISTMAS GIFT CAUSES LOCKDOWN AT STARGATE COMMAND  
by Ladyhawk

 

Colorado Springs, CO--Stargate Command was put into lockdown mode today after Dr. Daniel Jackson, head archeologist and cutest man to ever glow in the dark, attempted to take over the base.

"He just started talking about how we all will serve him and he was a god. I thought someone had forgotten to give him his coffee at first," said Colonel Samantha Carter, his team leader. "But then he pulled out a gun and started making us bow down. He doesn't do that even when he has bad Chinese food the night before."

What caused the mild-mannered archeologist to start acting more egotistically than Ba'al on cocaine? "It was a Christmas gift," said General Jack O'Neill, head of the base and man who has pissed off more people than the final episode of Quantum Leap.

"I got sick and tired of Daniel dying," reported the General. "It was beginning to get on everybody's nerves. All the funeral expenses, the wrought emotions. Not to mention all the times I had to unexecute his will...It was a mess. So I got him a sarcophagus."

A sarcophagus is a device used by the wardrobe challenged parasites that Stargate Command is fighting. It is a box that regenerates people by infusing them with doses of bad attitude.

Dr. Jackson had been addicted to the attitude machine before. "It was the catalyst for our personal relationship," said General O'Neill. "Who could resist falling in love with a stressed out geek who drives you crazy at every turn?"

"Now mind you," the General continued. "I didn't want Daniel to wig out like he did the last time. So I didn't tell him about it, and just stuck him in the box every time he got hurt. I told him that I had struck a deal with Oma Desala. She would keep him well so he wouldn't end up causing universal chaos again by having sex with me while he glowed(see Issue 0-04). I should have known that I would have to put him in the sarcophagus twenty times between Christmas and New Years! Sometimes I think I'm in a relationship with a Red Shirt."

The twenty doses of bad attitude caused Dr. Jackson to believe he had more mojo than Dick Clark on New Year's Eve. So he proceeded to strip the General in the main control room and demonstrate to all present how flexible their commanding officer can be.

Once the General had recovered from screaming Ave Maria at the top of his lungs for three hours, he took his lover into custody and ordered a basewise lockdown until he was sure Dr. Jackson was not hiding sharks with laser beams attached to their heads anywhere.

"Luckily for me all the sex wore him out and he became docile. I think that's part of the bad attitude. You get all the energy from the device, but you don't get laid because you piss everyone off with your 'holier than thou' attitude." The General shrugged at this. "But being in a relationship with a geek twists you. Every time Daniel tells me I'm wrong, I get so hot that I want to jump him."

The lockdown was terminated once Dr. Jackson's evilness was reduced to the level of his attitude before his first cup of coffee, and he was released into the General's custody. The sarcophagus was allowed to remain in the General's home once he promised Homeworld Security that he would follow every application of its healing powers with a session for Dr. Jackson and himself at the Geeks in Black Leather sadomasochism club.


	9. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-08

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERGEANT HOSPITALIZED AFTER 8 YEARS OF BEING CALLED BY THE WRONG NAME

SERGEANT HOSPITALIZED AFTER 8 YEARS OF BEING CALLED BY THE WRONG NAME  
by Ladyhawk

Cheyenne Mountain, CO--Sergeant Walter Harriman, also known as Sergeant Walter Davis, General O'Neill's right hand and left leg, was hospitalized today for a nervous breakdown.

Sergeant Harriman broke his leg attempting to run to three places at once for General O'Neill, which prompted the medical staff to ask for Harriman's next of kin. He apparantly cracked after Dr. Daniel Jackson, leader of the archeology department and General O'Neill's favorite corndog, asked him if Major Paul Davis should be called. 

Sergeant Harriman then grew red in the face and started screaming, "My name is not Davis! It's Harriman! Harriman! Get me a cup of coffee and my recording of me locking the chevrons!"

He then proceded to cry for his teddybear until General O'Neill came into the infirmary and shot him with a zat gun. "I couldn't let him suffer like that," the General commented. "The doctors had given him twice the amount of morphine it takes to knock out an elephant, but it did nothing. I had to calm him down so we could call Major Davis and figure out what the family wanted to do."

Once the Sergeant was unconscious, Major Davis was contacted in Washington. His reply to General O'Neill's request for 'consent for treatment' was, "Leave me the hell alone, you coffee addicted lunatics! The man is not related to me. His name isn't Davis. All of you have been ribboned one too many times! Try talking to his wife, you'll get more information out of her!"

General O'Neill replied, "Ok, Paul, we'll take care of Walter. Don't worry about it. We'll treat him as if he was part of our own family."

He then proceeded to inform the medical staff that Major Davis had consented to whatever form of treatment was necessary to make the Sergeant well.

The medical staff then tried a radical new treatment for mixed-up identity crisis: Having the Sergeant watch 36 hours of homemade porn starring General O'Neill and Dr. Jackson. This treatment is exalted as a mind relaxer and a great way to overcome sexual frustration.

After this treatment, the Sergeant was released into the care of Teal'c who snuggled him for another 24 hours, which is used to further calm the patient and make him feel part of something big.

When the Sergeant was interviewed after treatment, he commented, "My name? What's my name? I don't care what my name is! Bring back the Jaffa!"

Dr. Jackson was later found looking at the Sergeant's medical records, when he suddenly exclaimed, "Jack! His name is Harriman, not Davis!"

General O'Neill replied, "Oh yeah. I knew that."


	10. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-09

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JACKSON UNCOVERS LANGARA-JAFFA PLOT

JACKSON UNCOVERS LANGARA-JAFFA PLOT  
by Ladyhawk

Cheyenne Mountain, CO--Dr. Daniel Jackson, General O'Neill's favorite dessert and member of Stargate Command's first contact team, revealed today that he believes that his teammate Teal'c is involved in a plot to create an alliance against the Goa'uld that did not involve the Tauri. Dr. Jackson reported to General O'Neill and General Hammond that he remembers, "A flash from my time as a Glowy Squid Person. I remember seeing Teal'c sneak off with Jonas Quinn at the base. They were gone for hours. I tried to follow them once, but I was distracted by Jack playing with a yo-yo, so I followed him instead."

After General O'Neill did the required rolling-of-the-eyes, Dr. Jackson continued. "When I returned to my physical state, Teal'c seemed to visit Ishta's camp as often as possible. I know he often went to see Ryac, but once when we went to retrieve him, I could have sworn I saw Jonas. The blinding smile could belong to nobody else, even if the man I saw was in Jaffa garb."

Dr. Jackson confessed to General Hammond that he did not know any of the details of the alliance, but suspected that, "the Langara part was full of oxymorons and more confusing language that the US tax system," and that the Jaffa's part was "terse, to the point, and full of honor codes, which the Langarans won't know how to follow."

After hearing Dr. Jackson's testimony, General O'Neill said, "I am very disappointed in Teal'c. He betrayed us by sneaking off behind our backs. And with the Langarans? How could he choose such hopeless people to side with? These people can't even decide on what to have at a group luncheon! Anyway, he knows that everything runs more smoothly when the Tau'ri are involved. Who else would have thought to use MRE's to smooth relations with the people on PX3-044, who only like food that taste like chicken?"

Although they have no concrete proof of a plot, General Hammond decreed that Teal'c should be confined to his quarters until a hearing can be arranged, and that his access to the Weather Channel be cut off.

 

CORRECTION: LANGARA-JAFFA PLOT WAS PLOY TO HIDE AFFAIR

The 'Gate Crasher apologizes for the previous article. The information within was erroneous. But it was not our fault! Teal'c, the Jaffa accused of the crime and Rambo's distant cousin, presented us and Stargate Command with the facts concerning his suspicious behavior at a hearing earlier this morning.

"I am having an affair with JonasQuinn," Teal'c replied when questioned about his behavior by General O'Neill. "I was using Ishta's camp to meet with him. Ishta knew of our deep love for one another. She found out the first time I kissed her. I could not hide my revulsion at how dull her teeth were compared to my lover's. She forgave me, although she confessed to not understanding my attraction to him. It was also difficult for me to comprehend when I first felt his pull. I did not know men acting like young children on a vacation could be sexually arousing."

Teal'c denied that there was an alliance of the Langarans and the Jaffa. "It could not possibly exist," he reported. "JonasQuinn is the only Langaran who has any understanding of how to get along with others. The others were not taught negotiating skills of any kind, even amongst themselves. I have heard reports that people on Langara now get divorced before they get married. The Jaffa would have no patience with them."

After this final statement was made, General O'Neill stated that he had heard enough, and that Teal'c was to be released. He then addressed Teal'c. "I am tempted to punish you for falling in love with someone as goddamn goofy as Jonas, but I cannot fault you for trying to be with the one you love. I ate calamari for a whole year to try to get closer to Daniel when he was gone. Do me a favor though. Next time you see him, tell him Daniel wants his digging tools back. He was supposed to turn them in before he left. And don't let Daniel see him. I think he's still mad about Jonas using the back pages of his journals to track monthly weather trends."

Dr. Jackson was not available for comment, as he was trying to figure out a way to dig holes into Jonas Quinn's skin without damaging his antique archeology pick.


	11. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DANIEL'LE' JACKSON FOUND TO BE NEW HOST OF ENTERTAINMENT CHANNEL'S FASHION POLICE.

DANIEL'LE' JACKSON FOUND TO BE NEW HOST OF ENTERTAINMENT CHANNEL'S FASHION POLICE.  
by Ladyhawk

Hollywood, CA--America was shocked today when the Entertainment Channel revealed that Danielle O'Neill, gorgeous babe and hostess of their popular show Fashion Police, is, in fact, not a babe, but a hunk. The 6-foot, blue-eyed, perfectly-coiffed beauty is none other than Stargate Command's hunk of a geek, Dr. Daniel Jackson.

This reporter met up with Dr. Jackson in Hollywood to discuss his second job.

GC: I am very surprised to find you here, Dr. Jackson.  
DJ: (laughs) I'm surprised you found me.  
GC: When did this all start? (waving hand at Dr. Jackson's beautiful blue strapless dress by Versace)  
DJ: About a year ago. Jack and I had been...experimenting at home with women's clothes. Jack lost interest quickly. He said that women's underwear was too scratchy for him, and he would complain every time I asked him to wear his Victoria's Secret thong and merrywidow. I, however, found myself wearing my thongs and garters to work. I loved the way they look and the way they feel.  
GC: Didn't that make you nervous, wearing those clothes to work? What if Stargate Command found out?  
DJ: (smiles) I'm the General's significant other. Jack knew I was wearing the clothes to work. He'd warn me about the days we were due to go offworld, so I wouldn't wear them those days.   
GC: Does your team know about any of this?  
DJ: Yes. They found out, uh, quite by accident. Teal'c walked in on me when I was putting my stockings and garters on after an off-world mission. I was worried, but when he saw my garters, he just asked me where I had found them, because they were a beautiful shade of red. He must have told Sam, because soon after that, she started asking me for fashion advice.  
GC: They didn't tell anyone else?  
DJ: Oh no, Sam and Teal'c are extremely loyal to me, Jack, and to each other. In fact, I saw Teal'c wearing powder blue garters the other day. They went perfectly with his black t-shirt.  
GC: Did they encourage you to start your own show?  
DJ: No, that was Jack. I started giving out fashion advice to the women on base through Sam. They were all thrilled with my choices. In fact, I chose Cassie Fraiser's formal gown, a pink taffeta with straps. Her boyfriend was ecstatic, especially when they were made king and queen of the ball. Jack heard about all of this and insisted I 'take it on the road.' So I called up a few TV stations, and actually got on a public broadcasting station in Denver. The Entertainment Channel heard about it when I broadcast from Jack's charity dinner. He was raising money to buy the System Lords properly matching outfits. He figured that they might think more clearly if they actually had proper attire.  
GC: So I take it you were dressed as a woman for the dinner?  
DJ: Oh, yes. I had this lovely Vera Wang black sequined gown. No-one recognized me except for Jack, Sam, and Teal'c. So when the Entertainment Channel approached me about a show after the dinner, I said yes.  
GC: Didn't that interfere with your Stargate work?  
DJ: Oh, no. I only tape one day a week, and usually in Denver. I just leave the SGC early on Fridays. It takes maybe 4-5 hours, and most of that is preparation. I get a lot of my translations done while the cameras are setting up.   
GC: Doesn't the TV crew think it's odd to have a TV host writing translations?  
DJ: Oh, no. They think I'm doing coded anagrams, to build my word skills. I guess that will change, now that my identity is public. But neither the Air Force or the Entertainment Channel is ready to fire me. In fact, Jack is thinking of broadcasting my show out into space, to help fight the System Lords.

At this point, General O'Neill arrived to take Dr. Jackson back to Colorado. When asked for comment, he replied, "Now Daniel can fight the Goa'uld on two fronts, their morals and their fashion sense. I'm extremely proud of him."

Colonel Samantha Carter and Teal'c could not be reached for comment, as they were trying to teach Anubis the proper way to wear Goth clothing.


	12. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AMAZING NEW SCIENTIST DISCOVERY FOUND

AMAZING NEW SCIENTIST DISCOVERY FOUND  
by Ladyhawk

Planet PCV-429---Stargate Command and its first contact team SG-1, coming from a planet 365 light years away, announced an amazing new discovery that will change the way science is performed in this galaxy.

"No longer will we have to keep coffee brewing constantly to keep our scientists civil," reported General Jack O'Neill, head of Stargate Command and man most likely to deny knowing what a computer is while secretly using one to plan your doom. "We won't have to keep their offices far away from other staff, just to keep everyone civilized...or healthy."

This discovery was made by SG-1, who was on a reconnaissance mission for weapons against their wardrobe-challenged enemies. "We were shocked. The first thing we saw were these hummingbirds the size of our heads. We figured they might have eaten all the humans. Daniel thought that our search for Pierre Cardin wardrobes was hopeless, but we reached civilization an hour from the gate. Nobody expected what we found," reported Colonel Samantha Carter, head of SG-1.

"The sight of these creatures so amazed us all that DanielJackson actually fainted," reported Teal'c, member of SG-1 and closet member of the WWE.

"I couldn't help myself," said Dr. Daniel Jackson, archeologist and closet president of the I-Want-Jack-O'Neill-For-Dinner club. "I never expected to find the perfect scientist! We just don't come that way...or so I thought!"

Yes, SG-1 had found the perfect scientists. In this village, they discovered 100 people who sought to explore the mysteries of their world, but did so without a plethora of physical illnesses or problems, without ingesting 12 cups of coffee a day, without petty jealousies, without annoying everyone, without demanding everything be to their specifications, without spreading their opinions to all those who don't want to hear, without locking themselves in their labs for days upon end, and without forcing their lovers to watch marathons of history documentaries.

It didn't take long for the team to discover how amazing these scientists were. "I went up to them one by one, and each of them looked me in the eye and told me what they were working on without even so much a twitch of ego. I was shocked," explained Dr. Jackson, who was himself reportedly prone to fits of ego, even as a Glowy Squid Person. This was discovered on the day Jonas Quinn was treated for a black eye because he forgot to return Dr. Jackson's archeology tools to their special 'So-Jack-Can't-Break-Them' case.

When General O'Neill heard about his team's discovery, he was ecstatic. "Order me one of each discipline and a side of fries, Daniel."

Their team complied, gathering 30 people with the promise of world-aiding work. But once they sent the scientists to Earth, they discovered that scientists did not work as advertised.

"Half of them developed physical illnesses and problems like Daniel. The other half became Rodney McKay clones, egotistical, crass, and whiny," reported General O'Neill. "I told Daniel to return them for a refund. We can get those around here for a dime a dozen."

When SG-1 returned with the 30 scientists to their home planet, Colonel Carter conducted tests on the community. She found that the water contained trace elements of lithium, an antihistamine, an antibiotic, Xanax, Prozac, and honey. "They are being treated for all their problems naturally, so they can concentrate on their work here. It's amazing!" Colonel Carter stated. 

Once General O'Neill heard her report, he demanded that SG-1 open negotiations with the community. "We'll have every scientist spend six weeks in the community. It will boost morale and our efficiency rating. We may even make the Tok'ra jealous!"

Within a week, the negotiations were completed and every scientist was ordered to the planet for a six week leave, in rotation. Every scientist, except one.

"I couldn't send Daniel there," said General O'Neill. "I would get bored if Daniel came back perfect, even temporarily." He therefore ordered Dr. Jackson to six weeks of vacation in Minnesota with himself and the imaginary fish in his lake.


	13. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STARGATE COMMAND SEARCHES FOR PARASITES IN HOLLYWOOD

STARGATE COMMAND SEARCHES FOR PARASITES IN HOLLYWOOD  
by Ladyhawk

Hollywood, CA--Stargate Command, under the advice of the good-but-not-nice sort-of-not-parasites, the Tok'ra, began searching the entertainment industry for the wardrobe-challenged, evil, egotistical, and melodramatic snakes, the Goa'uld.

General Jack O'Neill, head of the search, said that this investigation began after showing some of the Tok'ra the movie 'Showgirls.' "There was so much glitz combined with bad acting that they were positive someone important on the cast and crew HAD to be a parasite."

The General, Colonel Samantha Carter and the rest of Stargate Command protested until they realized that Dr. Daniel Jackson, translator and fashion critic, was missing. "He had been filming 'Fashion Police' in Hollywood when suddenly he disappeared (see Issue 0-10). The director called Jack when 'Danielle' didn't come back from 'her' lunch break. It seemed 'she' had decided to have lunch with their guest star of the week, Mr. T," reported Colonel Carter, head of SG-1 and Dr. Jackson's favorite fashion guinea pig. Mr. T is, of course, the gold-wearing, haircut-challenged egotistical maniac who starred in the show 'The A-Team' and helped start the 1980's craze in which we all became wardrobe-challenged and haircut-challenged egotistical maniacs.

"We were about to put Hollywood under martial law when we received the ransom note," commented General O'Neill. "The note said 'If you ever want to see your dumb blonde girl, General O'Neill, you will send 30 pairs of striped pants and 30 polka dotted shirts for my minions, the number for Bill Gates' bank account, and get me a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.'"

The General confessed that he was shocked by the signature on the note. "It said 'I pity the foo' who doesn't listen to me.' It didn't need any other signature, we all knew who it was. Even Teal'c seemed horribly fascinated by the A-Team at one point." He sighed heavily before he continued. "I would've never suspected Mr. T. He dressed normally. I should have known that the Goa'uld was expressing its lack of fashion sense through that odd haircut."

Teal'c, Dr. Jackson's teammate and Stargate Command's own strongman, helped mount the rescue team. "O'Neill decided we should rescue DanielJackson by posing as agents and personal managers wanting to help the Goa'uld. He believed the Goa'uld's ego would prevent him from seeing through our act."

The General and the two team members flew to Hollywood to put their plan in action. However, when they got there, they found Dr. Jackson sitting in the Goa'uld's 'secret' warehouse, with Mr. T tied up next to him. "He was so stuck in the 80's, Jack," Dr. Jackson told his lover. "He was shocked when I came after him with some hand-to-hand combat moves. He never imagined a woman could fight. On top of that, he was so shocked to find that this 'woman' was a man, when my wig shifted as I was punching him, that he passed out."

Dr. Jackson then proceeded to tie up the actor and sit down to wait for his teammates. Once they all assured themselves that Dr. Jackson was in one piece, which General O'Neill confirmed by rubbing him all over and causing pleasured moaning, the team decided to search the rest of Hollywood for wardrobe challenged and egotistical parasites.

They found 100, including the hip-hop artist 50 cents, actress Liza Minelli, former pop star Vanilla Ice, and an obscure actor named Michael Shanks.


	14. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DANIEL JACKSON: SAVIOR OF MIRROR 'COMIC BOOK' UNIVERSE

DANIEL JACKSON: SAVIOR OF MIRROR 'COMIC BOOK' UNIVERSE  
by Ladyhawk

Cheyenne Mountain, CO, Unknown Mirror Universe--Dr. Daniel Jackson, Stargate Command's head anthropologist and man least likely to know what a comic book is, accidentally transported to another universe when he encountered a mirror device on planet PCP-789. 

"When I reached the other side of mirror, I had to pull out my sunglasses," reported Dr. Jackson. "Everything was in bright, vivid color, even the mirror SG-1." The mirror Colonel Samantha Carter and Teal'c were dressed in bright green uniforms made of shiny material.

Rather than tell the other people that he was from a mirror universe, Dr. Jackson listened to his inner Jack and decided to tell them that he had accidentally destroyed his bright uniform and had found drab clothes to replace it.

"I knew there was something odd going on here, but I didn't know what," Dr. Jackson commented. "So I decided to blend in as much as I could until I knew more."

The mirror SG-1 had been gathering naquadah and information from another group of brightly dressed people when Dr. Jackson arrived. He noted that all the members of the group were melodramatic, claiming instant death if their demands were not met. Surprisingly, Colonel Carter calmly gave all that they asked and smiled brightly, while Teal'c just stood there and looked threatening.

They then returned to Stargate Command, where Dr. Jackson noted more differences. "This mirror Jack seemed to be in strict command of everyone, except for me. Gone was the overwhelming mother-henning that I'm used to. This man was in awe of me, as if I were a god."

While SG-1 was debriefing with General O'Neill, Thor, the Asgard Commander, arrived. "He was dressed!" Dr. Jackson told this reporter. "Dressed as if he were in some bad 1950's scifi movie, with tights, a cape, and a goofy-looking helmet with antennae."

Thor looked directly at him and said, "Dr. Jackson, we need you. We have been at war with the Goa'uld for thousands of years, and we had been winning. However, recently we have been losing. Our fleets have been decimated, our people have been taken prisoner. It seems to me there is no reason for these intergalactical upsets."

Dr. Jackson, still getting over the shock caused by Thor's wardrobe, stared at him in disbelief. "Of course there's a reason! It's probably a Goa'uld that finally grew a brain!"

"But the Goa'uld are so evil, Daniel! We can't hope to defeat them without your help!" General O'Neill blurted out in a frighteningly high voice.

At that moment, the Gate alarms blared and an unexpected guest came through. All personnel gathered at the stargate and yelled in unison as the being walked down the ramp, "Ming the Merciless!"

"The Goa'uld was strange," Dr. Jackson reported. "I was expecting someone done up from head to toe in flashy, expensive clothes. This parasite, however, had on a black suit and expensive sunglasses, and talked in a slow, modulated voice. He made me want to look around me to see if someone was holding a red and a blue pill."

Ming looked at the assembled crowd with obvious disdain. "This morning's unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm. It was simply my huge laser destructo-ray, which I am going to use to destroy your planet if my demands are not met by midnight tonight."

Dr. Jackson rolled his eyes and asked, "What are your demands?"

Ming replied, "I want all your jewels and riches and all your women." He then threw back his head and laughed the patented evil laugh.

Pulling out his transformo-ray, Ming shot at Colonel Carter, Sergeant Harriman, and General O'Neill, instantly giving them beehive hairdos and a woman's yellow polka dot bikini.

Dr. Jackson then slapped his head with his hand and yelled, "This is absurd!"

General O'Neill replied, "Daniel, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!"

Dr. Jakson then grabbed a P-90 from one of the security officers and shot Ming the Merciless 50 times in the head and chest. "There, problem solved," he announced to the crowd.

Thor then declared him savior of the universe and told him that he could have anything that he wanted.

Dr. Jackson requested to be taken to the nearest mirror device immediately.

Dr. Jackson could not be reached for further comment after returning to his own universe, as he was burning General O'Neill's copies of 'Flash Gordon' and 'The Matrix' in the backyard.


	15. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SG-1 ENCOUNTERS SEXUALLY COMMUNICATIVE RACE

SG-1 ENCOUNTERS SEXUALLY COMMUNICATIVE RACE  
by Ladyhawk

P89-6969---Trade negotiations were opened today between America via Stargate Command and the race known as the Trawkens.

"The Tok'ra recommended them to us," reported General Jack O'Neill, leader of Stargate Command and the possessive lover of Dr. Daniel Jackson. "They tolds us that the Trawkens had a nice supply of naquadah and some big honking guns."

What the Tok'ra failed to mention, however, is that these guns are figurative, not literal. "When we went up to greet the leaders, they were naked. That's not unusual, there are some tribes who believe clothes are evil. But, um, the chief of this group unzipped my pants...and grabbed my privates," Dr. Jackson said, blushing.

When Dr. Jackson's teammate, Teal'c, tried to stop the chief, 10 tribesmen surrounded the Jaffa, pulled down his pants, and tried to initiate anal sex.

"I was shocked and appalled by the tribe's actions...once I got over the lust from seeing my teammates' um...guns," commented Colonel Samantha Carter, SG-1 team leader. "I tried to call for help, but a young man stuck his hands down my pants as I was dialing the DHD."

Colonel Carter finally contacted Earth, as she was having an orgasm that would take Peter Shannihan 6 months to duplicate. General O'Neill recalled his first contact team, fearing for their safety and that Dr. Jackson would realize all of his sexual techniques came from looking at pictures in a rather sedate gay magazine.

"I told Carter she wasn't allowed to cuddle anyone till they all got their butts back on Earth. Then I handed her straight over to Shannihan, who was here because he found snakes in his police department...which we already knew about," General O'Neill commented. When Dr. Jackson came through the stargate, the General immediately grabbed his lover and locked him safely in the maintenance closet inside his office.

He then contacted the Tok'ra to get an explanation. "They communicate through sex, General," explained Anise, member of the Tok'ra council. "I thought that Dr. Jackson could benefit from opening his mind to new possibilities. Maybe then he would want to join the Tok'ra."

After General O'Neill recovered from his jealous rage, he discovered that the handjob Dr. Jackson received was the Trawkens' way of saying hello. "I understand that this is just cultural difference," said General O'Neill, "but because their communication is bringing up so many American taboos, and getting in MY personal space, I can't authorize SG-1 returning to that planet."

He therefore sent Major Paul Davis, who was known to have slept with every man on base except General O'Neill and Dr. Jackson, to lead the negotiating party. The other members of the team included Dr. Jay Felger and Dr. Simon Coombs. Negotiations were expected to take approximately two years, as Dr. Felger and Dr. Coombs were both sexual novices.

General O'Neill and Dr. Jackson could not be reached for further comment, as the General insisted on practicing every technique in his magazine three times on Dr. Jackson, because 'Practice makes perfect' in any language.


	16. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ACTOR DISCOVERS LIFE IS EASIER ON TV

ACTOR DISCOVERS LIFE IS EASIER ON TV  
By Ladyhawk

Hollywood, CA--Nick Marlowe, lead actor of the popular scifi show Wormhole X-treme announced last week that he would be leaving the show to pursue "a new career in saving the universe."

Marlowe issued this statement: "I am leaving the show to join my counterparts at Stargate Command, a top secret facility where they do exactly what I do every week, save the universe!"

His agent's call to the local mental hospital was stopped when General George Hammond, head of Homeworld Security, flew to Hollywood to force Marlowe to deny the existence of the SGC in return for a tour of the facility.

Marlowe agreed and issued his second statement: "I was wrong, the top secret facility in Cheyenne Mountain doesn't exist. It's just a UFO hotspot."

After fighting off two thousand Star Trek and Wormhole X-treme fans to get to his office below Cheyenne Mountain, General Jack O'Neill, leader of Stargate Command and geeklover extraordinaire, reluctantly agreed to let Marlowe in the facility. "I swear, that man's dumber than the Langaran's idea of negotiations. But if it will stop the Trek groupies from chasing me around, I'll do it. The one time I tried to make out with Daniel at my place, I caught a Klingon looking in the window!"

Both Generals agreed to give Marlowe the tour, as General Hammond believed, "If I left Jack alone with this guy, Hollywood would be short one actor."

Marlowe insisted on being in the gateroom as SG-1 left for PXY-3455, a planet that was thought to be home to Anubis, the Goth wardrobe-challenged parasite who recently lost his clothes and tried to wear Dr. Daniel Jackson instead.

Once Dr. Jackson entered the wormhole, Marlowe rushed into the stargate, and made it through the wormhole before anyone could stop him. "I thought of having Carter send him back," commented General O'Neill. "But George and I both agreed letting stay him on the planet for awhile might...fix the problem."

SG-1 returned, with Marlowe on a stretcher, three days later. Colonel Carter reported, "We found Anubis. He snuck into Mr. Marlowe's dirty laundry pile and took over his clothes, after I expressly told Mr. Marlowe that noncorporeal Goa'uld are famous for taking over discarded clothes, and that he should never leave them lying around. Luckily, his clothes were so drenched in nervous sweat, that Anubis died the minute he tried on Marlowe's socks."

"So why did he come back on a stretcher, Carter?" General O'Neill asked.

"Oh, that," Colonel Carter replied. "Marlowe made a pass at Daniel, so Teal'c decked him."

Marlowe was allowed to stay in the SGC infirmary for two weeks before being transferred to Hollywood's General Hospital for surgery to reconstruct his nose. When asked about returning to the facility, Marlowe replied, "No, never. You have to be crazy to want to work there!"

General O'Neill could not be reached for further comment, as he was in a meeting with Raymond Gunne, the man who plays Dr. Levant on Wormhole X-treme. They were planning to give Marlowe intensely painful lessons on 'how to treat a geek.'


	17. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> COFFEE CAUSES EVACUATION OF CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN COMPLEX

COFFEE CAUSES EVACUATION OF CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN COMPLEX  
by Ladyhawk

Cheyenne Mountain, CO--The military facilities at Cheyenne Mountain were temporarily evacuated today after the 28th floor, used by Stargate Command, flooded.

"I just heard this loud rushing sound right after we opened a wormhole to PYP-0812. I thought somehow the event horizon was leaking onto the floor, because my boots were getting wet. Then I remembered the event horizon just LOOKS like water," explained Colonel Samantha Carter, leader of SG-1.

As the water began to reach the ankles of Colonel Carter and Teal'c, Dr. Daniel Jackson, SG-1's linguist who is wanted for coffee theft on 50 planets, came rushing into the water-filled gateroom.

"DanielJackson appeared agitated, as well as completely soaked," observed Teal'c, Dr. Jackson's teammate. "As he reached us, he started yelling 'I got rid of it!' very loudly while jumping up and down."

"You got rid of what?" asked General Jack O'Neill, commander of Stargate Command and Dr. Jackson's favorite toy, from his position in the observation room.

"I got rid of Anubis without you having to shoot me!" replied Dr. Jackson, as he wiped the water from his face. Anubis is the Goth wardrobe-challenged parasite that earlier had invaded Dr. Jackson and gave him a reason to act completely out-of-character for three days, until General O'Neill surgically removed it by shooting Dr. Jackson in the arm.

"By what?! Flooding the head?!" exclaimed General O'Neill. Dr. Jackson discovered that Anubis had reentered him the day before, when he began dressing in long flowing black clothes reminiscent of Darth Vader. He confessed to drinking 50 gallons of coffee that day to try to flush the parasite out. 

However, when the parasite passed out of Dr. Jackson's body, it became caught in the urinal plumbing, which caused the flooding. General O'Neill called for an evacuation after the room contained a foot of water and the parasite could be heard yelling, "I've lost my body! Somebody bring me my body!" through the pipes along the walls.

All 30 floors of the facility were evacuated until the SG teams could dismantle the pipes surrounding the gateroom and strain the water in them through a fine-mesh stocking.

The non-corporeal parasite was then trapped in a glass jar and buried on a swampy planet that smelled worse than General O'Neill's gym socks. SG-3 included a sign that said, "Stop. Touch this jar and you will be doomed to wear black for the rest of your life."

After the facility was cleaned up, General O'Neill pulled Dr. Jackson aside. "For crying out loud, Daniel. Next time, read Anubis one of those tomes you use. He'll leave you alone in self-defense." 

General O'Neill made Dr. Jackson pay for the inconvenience he caused by having him mop the floor of the SGC on his hands and knees while the General ate his favorite corndog.


	18. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ADULTEROUS RENDEZVOUS ALMOST LEADS TO DISASTER

ADULTEROUS RENDEZVOUS ALMOST LEADS TO DISASTER  
by Ladyhawk

Colorado Springs, CO--Stargate Command was put into Lockdown today after two men were threatened with the severing of bodyparts by way of the stargate.

Dr. Daniel Jackson, lead archeologist and most understanding man on 40 planets, was said to have perpetrated the threats. "He went ballistic," reported Colonel Samantha Carter, his team leader. "I've never heard him talk to the General that way. Whatever he did, it must have been really serious."

"He was not himself," commented Teal'c, his teammate. "I would have never suspected that he was capable of putting the General and Sergeant Siler's penii within an open wormhole and threatening to have Sergeant Harriman close the gate at that moment. As soon as I realized his intent, I pulled them away and attempted to calm DanielJackson."

Dr. Jackson's actions were reportedly the result of catching General Jack O'Neill, his lover, having sex with Sergeant NoName Siler in the commissary after hours. "He was leaning over the table, eating his pie as Siler did him! He even smiled at me when I came in, as if he wasn't cheating on me. I nearly fainted!" exclaimed Dr. Jackson.

He immediately contacted Sergeant Harriman, Sergeant Siler's lover, and planned their revenge. They decided to cut off the offending parts of their lovers' bodies right before Dr. Jackson's mission to PYY-0891. Dr. Jackson believe it was fitting that their lovers would suffer the same fate as adulterous men on that planet.

General O'Neill claimed to not realize that he had had sex with Sergeant Siler until he was facing the wormhole. "All of a sudden, it dawned on me why Daniel was threatening to cut off his favorite part of me. Before then, I just kept thinking that the pie I had was damn good!"

Sergeant Siler also confessed to not realizing his action until facing the wormhole. Since both men appeared quite disoriented and unaware of many of the events in the last 24 hours, including the mass hysteria that went through the facility when it was discovered that Teal'c ate the last twinkie and the base was not allowed to order more, the matter was investigated. 

The culprit was soon found in Sergeant Siler's toolbox. "I thought it was a wrench," said the handyman. "It looks exactly like a socket wrench, except for this switch at the bottom. When I turned it on, all it did was vibrate. I figured it helped tighten the bolts."

Apparently, the vibration actually stimulates the arousal centers in the brain and blocks inhibitions and awareness. "It was amazing," said Dr. Brightman, base physician. "I was having sex with Dr. Felger within five minutes of turning the 'wrench' on. And I don't even like Felger!"

"It was in the box of artifacts we got from PXY-6666," recalled Dr. Jackson. "I didn't even realize it was an artifact. I thought one of Siler's wrenches fell into the box when we came through the gate, so I gave it to him."

When SG-1 contacted PXY-6666, the ruler ecstatically thanked them for finding his favorite sex toy and requested its immediate return. Dr. Jackson quickly complied when he noticed Colonel Carter eyeing it and General O'Neill suspiciously.

Dr. Jackson and General O'Neill could not be reached for further comment, as the General was devoting the next 72 hours to loosening Dr. Jackson's socket with his wrench while Dr. Jackson ate cherry pie.


	19. The 'Gate Crasher--Issue 0-18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LANGARAN PROPERTY DISPUTE DEGENERATES INTO MARRIAGE

LANGARAN PROPERTY DISPUTE DEGENERATES INTO MARRIAGE  
by Ladyhawk

Langara--General Jack O'Neill and his team SG-1 were surprised today when they were called to Langara by Jonas Quinn to help settle a property dispute.

"I'm sorry to do this to you, General," said Jonas Quinn, the man with the brightest teeth on 50 planets, "but this dispute is about to break down the whole Langaran alliance! We need your help."

Realizing the breakdown of the Langaran treaty would cause mass confusion on Earth, in the Asgard Fleet, and possibly even take the glow out of the Glowy Squid People, General O'Neill quickly agreed to join Mr. Quinn and SG-1 at the Langaran conference table.

The Tauri soon realized the meeting at the conference was getting nowhere. "Drastic measures needed to be taken," commented General O'Neill, man voted most likely to throw a bomb as a negotiation device. "So I asked Daniel where would be a good place to try to force them to cooperate."

Dr. Daniel Jackson, General O'Neill's lover, and his teammate Teal'c decided that knocking the Lanagarans out, stripping them, and placing them in the muck of the swampy Gerdud's Lair would speed negotiations. To make it fair to the Langarans, the team decided to go to the swamp naked as well.

Using the clothes-dissolving device given to him by Thor of the Asgard, Dr. Jackson stripped all 12,345 combatants of their clothes and had them shipped to the swamp in a set of large vehicles that normally hold spoiled fruit.

When they awoke in the swamp, the Langarans began blaming each other for their plight without ever trying to get out of the swamp, even though they complained loudly of the smell.

After three hours, the team was able to calm down the Lanagarans enough to reveal the reason for the dispute: Ataki Freem, a Langaran statesman, wanted to move his fence two feet north, into a yard claimed by Jore Hallit, a Langaran actor.

"He wants to take over my property!" exclaimed Mr. Hallit, best known for his role as a level-headed stateman on a popular Langaran video series. "That isn't his property!" countered Mr. Freem.

General O'Neill and Dr. Jackson had to physically separate the two neighbors. Jonas Quinn then interjected and offered to appoint the General and Dr. Jackson as negotiators for Mr. Freem and Mr. Hallit, respectively. The two neighbors agreed.

Within three seconds, the two lovers-cum-negotiators decided the dispute was best solved by moving the fence one foot into Mr. Hallit's area. They presented the idea to the two combatants, who readily agreed. Mr. Hallit was proudly showing his physique and Mr. Freem was enduring the smell of the muck to hide his paunchy figure at the time.

Jonas Quinn quickly decided that the decision should be sealed in an old Kelownan ceremony. The negotiators were required to stand in the middle of all the people disputing the issue, lock arms together, and kiss each other for one hour straight. The two Tauri agreed to do this, for the sake of the negotiations, and to get some quality time together, as they hadn't had time to be together since the wardrobe-challenged parasites found out the meaning of the word 'paisley'.

After the allotted hour, the two sides agreed the dispute was over and everyone was allowed to go back to their homes. Once everyone left, Jonas Quinn handed General O'Neill and Dr. Jackson a piece of paper. "What's this?! A marriage license! Jonas, what's going on?" General O'Neill exclaimed.

"This is the only way Kelownans were able to keep a dispute from reopening. If the negotiators are married, the problem must remain solved as-is. Unfortunately, we had to outlaw divorce to get it to work." Jonas looked at them apologetically.

"Don't worry about it," replied Doctor Jackson. "I think this dispute will never reopen."

General O'Neill quickly agreed despite worries about his commanding officers, as Doctor Jackson was pointing the Asgard clothing-dissolving device at his favorite sunglasses and his brand new formal uniform. He was not allowed to requisition another, as he had ordered 25 new uniforms in the last year. Every requisition followed a game of Soldier-and-Archeologist at General O'Neill's residence.

The happy couple decided to honeymoon in Abydos, Egypt, as they heard of rumors of glowing squids appearing there. They wanted the blessing of Dr. Jackson's in-laws.


End file.
